HAVING talked about this somewhat-notorious Brit nudie-horror flick in the last issue of Betty Paginated – and pleaded to see a copy of it – I was somewhat stoked to receive a tape from long-time BP reader Tim Greaves.
Who wouldn’t want to see a slasher porno starring Doctor Who’s No. 1 enemies, those homicidal pepperpots otherwise known as the Daleks, groping and pawing a bunch of stark-naked lesbians?
I wasn’t expecting much from the film – very little, in fact – considering it was made by the same grindhouse crew who put together the far-more-controversial Fantom Killer series (bad English horror-porn masquerading as bad Eastern European horror-porn).
Rumoured to be directed by former BP reader and veteran UK wheeler-dealer in all things psychotronic, Trevor Barley (who may have also directed Fantom Killer), Abducted By The Daleks’ biggest claim to “fame” is that it got sued out of existence (and into eBay where the few remaining DVDs attract ridiculously high prices from nerdy Doctor Who fans) by the BBC and the estate of Terry Nation, the bloke who created the Daleks. How dare someone get their hands on a couple of Dalek costumes and use them for…pornographic purposes? Outrageous, fumed the British tabloids, and Abducted was soon gone from whatever web site was originally selling the DVD. But pirate copies still appear from time to time (most notably on eBay, like I said earlier, although I’m sure it’s also doing roaring business among black-market video traders).
Knowing I was about to watch something very rare and reasonably illicit, I popped Abducted into my VCR and pressed “play”. And…
I really shouldn’t have bothered.
I knew Abducted was going to be a low-budget piece of shit, but I don’t think that accurately sums up its shortcomings, of which there are many.
Firstly, replace low-budget with NO BUDGET. I suspect the only money spent on this under-60-minute-long cinematic pile of garbage was: (a) hiring the three Dalek suits, (b) giving some eastern European strippers $50 each to run round a warehouse naked for an hour or two, and (c) plenty of vodka to ensure everyone got through the arduous one night I believe was spent filming, editing and producing this “film”.
I’d say less than 10 bux was spent on candles for “studio lighting”, a supermarket-brand videotape to record the whole mess on, and “special FX” (primarily, a bloke blowing cigarette smoke to give the impression of “fog”).
I could make mention of the Euro-babes’ beyond-shoddy acting ability (but considering I couldn’t make out a word they were saying courtesy of their thick accents and the sound quality throughout the DVD was so poor I could barely hear it anyway, I don’t think I’ll bother).
The storyline is hideously bad: a bunch of Euro-sluts in tiny mico-minidresses are driving through a forest late one evening while one of them regales her new friends (and us) with tales about some psycho serial killer who lives in the forest and likes to skin his victims alive.
Suddenly, something appears in the middle of the road, the car swerves to miss it and goes off the road. Unable to restart the vehicle, the girls decide to trek through the VERY SAME FOREST WHERE THE SERIAL KILLER LIVES. Why? I don’t fucken know!
All the time this is going on, the chicks are being watched by evil Daleks in their spaceship, hovering above the earth. They plan to abduct the girls and commit unspeakable scientific acts on their bodies.
OK, back on earth, where one of the Euro-sluts gets separated from her friends. Her reaction to being lost and alone late at night in a forest INHABITED BY A SERIAL KILLER? She takes off her dress and starts walking round in the nude. As you do.
She’s then beamed aboard the Daleks’ spaceship where she acts (or tries and fails miserably) scared while three Daleks bark orders at her and one pokes her in the boob with his plunger arm.
Back on earth, two of the babes argue with the third woman (their new friend who, through laughably bad dialogue, shows herself to be a bitch who doesn’t care what’s happened to the missing chick) and wander off.
The two chicks walk for about 10 metres, tell each other in their thick accents how scared they are and hug each other for comfort. Naturally, this instantly leads to some of the most pathetic pseudo-lesbian groping I’ve ever witnessed. For starters, I didn’t realise lesbians gained great sexual pleasure from massaging each other’s knees. Apparently they do in Abducted. Anyway, just as the chicks strip naked – in the middle of a forest INHABITED BY A SERIAL KILLER – they’re beamed aboard the spaceship as well.
If anything, their attempts to act scared of the Daleks takes the expression “can’t act their way out of a paper bag” to a whole new level for me. The filmmakers can’t even be bothered to reshoot the scene even though one of the girls is LAUGHING throughout it.
OK. Back to earth where fourth girl is also abducted. Somehow, she appears on the ship dressed as a dominatrix and is ordered by the Daleks to limply whip her chained friends.
Suddenly, the three chicks escape from their chains – I don’t know how – and are killed by the Daleks’ dreaded death rays. The dominatrix-garbed babe also escapes and is somebow beamed back to earth.
She reappears in the forest…now NAKED and being played by A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WOMAN!
In a stiff monotone she robotically talks out loud and tells the now-disgusted viewer she’s actually an alien slave trader who was captured by the Daleks, then sent to earth to procure nubile earth babes for their evil scientific experiments.
Experiments, by the way, that were never conducted in this film ’cos the Daleks were too busy having the girls whipped before randomly zapping them to death when they started running round loose on the ship.
OK. Our alien slave trader suddenly spots a weird redneck mutant wandering through the woods carrying a large gun. She tries to hide but he finds her and knocks her out.
When she wakes up, she’s tied to a tree while the redneck (who appears to be wearing one of those cheap old-man masks you buy in costume shops) tells her he’s a serial killer hunter and he’s going to use her as bait.
He then fingers her a little and heads off. As you do.
Off-camera – and I’m not sure about this ’cos the sound is so appalling – he’s murdered by the serial killer, who then finds the alien slave trader and starts telling her what he’s going to do to her. He’s also wearing a rubber mask – maybe he bought them from the same shop as the redneck fella. Anyway, he starts running a fake rubber knife along her breasts when the Daleks (remember them?) beam him aboard their spaceship and zap him to death.
The alien slave trader faints. End of scene.
The next thing we know we’re in a police station – I assume it’s meant to be a police station, it’s actually someone’s living room – and the alien slave trader’s being interrogated by two detectives. Despite her ordeal, no-one’s bothered to give her some clothes or even a towel to cover herself. That’s right, the cops are interviewing her IN THE NUDE.
Naturally, they don’t believe her fanciful yarn about Daleks, serial killers and redneck mutant serial killer hunters.
But – and here’s the big twist ending – the detectives tell her she can leave and someone’s come to collect her. Guess who? If you said a Dalek, then you score a free punch in the face.
Cue spooky music and end credits. Wheeeeee-oooooooo!
Please forgive me if I’ve made this flick sound even remotely interesting courtesy of my brief synopsis. Trust me, it’s far, far, far duller than that.
One wonders what the filmmakers were trying to achieve with
Abducted By The Daleks: it’s not a horror film ’cos it’s not even remotely terrifying; it’s not a gore film ’cos there’s virtually no blood; it’s not a porno ’cos the nudity is perfunctory and not sexually arousing (and the short scene of bondage and pussy fingering isn’t erotic or sexy and is too brief to cause even the saddest loser to get a hard-on. In fact, it just looks out of place).
Basically, Trevor and his mates have produced this pile of steaming diced carrots to rip off a bunch of
Doctor Who completists who desperately NEED to possess everything even remotely related to the Time Lord.
I’ve read elsewhere that Trev was selling copies of
Abducted for £20 at some trade fairs, so I guess he achieved his aim.
Thankfully, I didn’t shell out any cash for
Abducted – still, I feel like demanding my money back.
